I've been hearing a lot about babies and the culture of life recently, from a lot of different places. This kind of discussion usually leads to choruses of one slogan or another, and occasionally (but far too rarely) the slogan is "Support Motherhood!" No one seems to know how to apply that principle. I've seen some truly shocking things perpetrated on myself and other moms, all in the name of "support." I wish I could simply tell all the eager young pro-life people to practice common sense and the golden rule-- "How would YOU like it if the same person asked you "Do you know if you're baby's a boy or a girl yet!?!?!?!?" in the exact same tone every week for six weeks?" But that never seems to get through to them. So I've compiled a list of pointers.
1) There are three circumstances in which it is okay to touch someone without their permission. You may do so in self-defense; to remove them from danger if there is no time to talk first (as in the case of an imminent car accident); or if the person is unconscious and you are applying some kind of first aid. In any of these cases, the touch should be the minimum required. If possible, you should not touch the person in any of the more private or embarrassing bodily regions-- in other words, not in any place that would be covered by a more modest bathing suit. This rule applies to all human beings. Believe it or not, a pregnant woman is a human being. Carrying a child does not turn her into a plushie for your fondling entertainment. It is not okay to pat, squeeze, poke or otherwise molest her belly without asking. If you do this, she may or may not grab you by the bottom and say "I'm sorry, I thought this was inappropriate touchy time." But she'll be thinking about it.
2) There is absolutely no circumstance in which it is okay to tell a woman she's getting fat. Most women find that insulting. Believe it or not, a pregnant woman is a woman. She has lived her whole life in a culture that judges her value by her appearance. This culture holds that a big belly is not a good appearance. Being pregnant will not necessarily have changed how she feels about her belly. It is not all right to grin and tell her she's "showing already" or "popping out;" or, God forbid, to ask if she's having twins. Phrasing these remarks as compliments does NOT help. No one wants to be told "You have such a cute bump! You're just like a little doll." And don't insist you couldn't tell if she was pregnant, either. Pregnancy does not lower the IQ. She knows that you're lying.
3) Absolutely no horror stories, ever. It is not okay to tell the pregnant woman horrific stories that end with a dead baby, a dead mother, an unasked for sterilization or anything else. If she asks for advice, you may give it in as tactful a way as possible. If a group of mothers are sharing their birth stories, it's fine to share everything, including unpleasant things, from the heart. But it's not all right to terrorize pregnant women with all the grisly anecdotes and "facts" you've ever heard. It's not okay to lecture her on the dangers of a home or a hospital birth. Frankly, both are dangerous. Birth is dangerous. It always has been. Every mother has the right and the responsibility to make an informed decision about the best way to care for herself during pregnancy. If she wants to be under a doctor's care, shut up. If she wants to try a midwife center, shut up. If she wants a home birth, shut up. If she wants to give birth standing on her head in the Amazon river, just smile and tell her congratulations. Never, ever use the phrase "if something goes wrong." Something will always go wrong, and that doesn't make her decision wrong. You're only going to annoy and scare her. If you start telling her Public Health conspiracy theories you read about on the internet, I will personally break into your house and fill your shampoo bottles with Nair. Thank you.
4) While I'm on the subject, no unsolicited advice at all, even if it's not scary. Pregnant women and mothers of infants are bombarded with advice everywhere they turn. And they don't like it. No one likes being told what to do. And the absolute worst kind of advice is telling people how they should feel, or acting insulted when they feel a way you think they shouldn't. Some women love being pregnant. Others find it extremely uncomfortable and frightening. Some new moms take to motherhood right away, and others find it difficult. This does not make them bad mothers. Being scared, sick or upset does not merit a lecture on the Value of Life. Chances are, the mother already feels guilty for not feeling happy. They don't need that to be made worse.
5) After the baby has been born, be respectful of the mother's wishes. All births are extremely emotional, and some are traumatic. Adjusting to a new baby is difficult in itself. The mother may not want any visitors for awhile, or she may be desperate for company. Let her know you're okay with both options, and that she should feel free to ask for whatever help, company or privacy she wants-- and then, abide by that rule. It's also a good idea to repeat this after a few weeks. After a few weeks, most people stop wanting to visit or offering to help. That can be an extremely isolated and depressing time. A lot of mothers would love for someone to bring a meal then, or drop by to hold the baby while she showers, or even do some vacuuming for her. Be respectful and understanding if the answer is no, but it's still good to ask.
6) If you see a mom with a baby somewhere, smile and say hello to both of them. It's depressing when eager smiling people zoom in to address the baby first, and not you. You start to feel invisible. It's also rather strange to be in an environment where people talk to you and ignore the baby. I've been in both situations. Both the mother and the baby are human beings, and should be treated with the respect due to a human being. That's what the Culture of Life is all about.
7) And what if something DOES go horrifically wrong? What if you find yourself having to deal with a mother who miscarried, or who had a traumatic and abusive birth? Every situation is different, but for starters, apply all the rules I've just stated even more carefully. Wounded mothers are mothers too. They need more support and love, not less. Don't lecture us on what went wrong-- believe me, we know and we feel worse about it than you ever could. Don't lecture us on how it's wrong to blame ourselves. because we already do and you're not going to be able to change that. Don't try to recommend therapy or antidepressants. That's the worst kind of pushy advice, and it makes us feel even more like we're going crazy. We know such things exist. Don't ever belittle our suffering. You can't imagine what pregnancy and childbirth are like until you've been through it. Offer to help in any way you can, and don't be offended if the answer is silence. We ARE grateful, we do recognize that you're trying to help, we will get through this, but we need time and understanding.
Those are the most obvious points; there are plenty more. At another time I'll share my own birth story or talk about the time I burst out screaming at a particularly eager pro-life youth in an art class. But these should get you started.
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