What it Means to be Pro-Life

 I was going to move on to other topics of interest after my last post, but an incident here in Steubenville made me realize that I had not yet said nearly enough.

I have one daughter who just turned nineteen months old, and currently don't have a car. We live walking distance from the Franciscan University campus, so I often go there to mail my packages, let my daughter play on the grass, and sometimes attend daily Mass. I generally like how Franciscan students treat my daughter, though I do occasionally get nasty looks when I breastfeed her. A particular priest always looks horrified when I feed her, but I've tried to ignore this. On Tuesday, just after publishing my last post, I decided to take the baby to the evening Mass. It turned out to be a Latin Mass celebrated by the priest who seemed to object to my breastfeeding.  I sat in the front row, because I wanted a sip from the Celiac Chalice and that was the most convenient place to get it. During Mass my daughter began to fuss, so I let her run around in the foyer, but I returned to my seat during the Our Father so that I would be able to receive Communion from the chalice without cutting in front of anyone else in line. As I sat down, my daughter began to fuss again. She fussed loudly, but I didn't want to leave before Communion, so I tried to soothe her in my seat. As Father was holding the Host just before saying "Behold the Lamb of God," he suddenly turned and stared at me. I was unnerved to say the least, but I stayed where I was and kept trying to soothe my daughter anyway. Father smiled and stared even more pointedly. I realized that he was offended by my daughter's noise. I was, of course, embarrassed. I even tried to muffle the baby's cries by gently putting my hand over her mouth, something I would normally never do. Father continued to stare at me, with the Body of Christ forgotten in his hands. He refused to continue the liturgy until I got up and fled to the foyer. Then he went on as if nothing had happened.

I could not believe that my daughter had been expelled from Mass simply for acting her age. I could not believe that I had been expelled and denied Communion for practicing my vocation as a mother and exposing my child to the Mass. I could not believe that a priest, a Franciscan no less, would dishonor Christ by putting the liturgy on hold just to humiliate a mother and child. And I realized how very anti-life even American Catholics have become. 

Abortion did not become legal because this country suddenly became possessed in the 1970s. It did not become legal because of "promiscuity" in the 60s. The 50s were a very promiscuous decade. Abortion became legal and widely accepted because society had already abandoned mothers and children. This was a slow, gradual process beginning at least as far back as the Industrial Revolution and fed by too many diverse social elements to mention. There was a time, not terribly long ago, when women and children were revered and welcomed by society, in part because they were visible in every part of society. Families worked together in their own homes and farms. Extended families all participated in childrearing. Mothers took their children with them wherever they went. They took them to church and to work; they breastfed them in public. Everyone knew what children were like, so if a mother could not care for her child herself, others helped. Whole societies raised families-- not in some kind of socialist government-imposed way, but simply because that was the right thing to do and no one gave it a second thought. As time progressed, families began to be fragmented in their day-to-day activities. Families no longer worked together as a group; fathers went to work, mothers stayed home, and children went to school and daycare. Extended families and cultures no longer raised children; childrearing became the job of the mother at home alone and aided by advice from pop psychologists and pediatricians. Parenting techniques became more and more cold and clinical. A person could go his entire day without seeing a mother and child interacting. Eventually, a child was viewed by society as a noisy and difficult burden, because that is what a difficult job becomes when the job is completely hidden. Children became somebody else's problem, somebody else's burden. Getting rid of the burden before it appeared to annoy society naturally became a socially acceptable option. As abortion became a more popular option, children and motherhood became even less socially acceptable. That cycle continues to feed itself to this day. It has even poisoned the devout Christians who consider themselves pro-life; many of them don't realize how much their expectations feed into the Culture of Death. We as a society have forgotten that children are part of society. We do not welcome them in society. We deliberately humiliate mothers who insist on making their motherhood part of society, and somehow we still claim to be pro-life. We will never see an end to the Culture of Death until we regain a fundamental acceptance of mothers and children.

It does not matter how brightly painted a compass needle is: if it does not point north, it is worthless. And it doesn't matter how vocally pro-life a person or corporation claims to be. If they have no fundamental respect or even tolerance for women and children, they will never be pro-life and will never make any progress against abortion. If you interrupt the holiest moment in the holy sacrifice of the Mass to expel a crying child, you are not pro-life, nor are you Christian. That child is a human being, and human beings belong in day-to-day life-- particularly in Mass. If you cannot stand the appearance of a breastfeeding woman, you are not pro-life. A baby has a right to eat, and there is nothing repellant about that. If a university claims it can't afford to provide maternity leave for its professors, a daycare, or any accommodations for its students who are mothers, and yet somehow finds the money for extensive advertising, pristine landscaping and a brand-new division 3 athletic program, the university is not pro-life. It doesn't matter how many students pray the Rosary outside the local abortion clinic on Saturday mornings, or how many buses you send to the annual March for Life. If you cannot tolerate or accommodate mothers and children into day-to-day life, wherever they happen to be, you are only serving the Culture of Death.

This culture-- our culture, Catholic culture-- must change completely if we ever expect to change the culture of our country. We all must practice what we preach-- not in the pulpit, the picket line or with the ballot alone, but in our hearts and minds; in what we do with our money; in how we treat our neighbor. This is our only hope for survival as a society. Moreover, it's the only moral option.

How to be a Decent Person.

I've been hearing a lot about babies and the culture of life recently, from a lot of different places. This kind of discussion usually leads to choruses of one slogan or another, and occasionally (but far too rarely) the slogan is "Support Motherhood!" No one seems to know how to apply that principle. I've seen some truly shocking things perpetrated on myself and other moms, all in the name of "support." I wish I could simply tell all the eager young pro-life people to practice common sense and the golden rule-- "How would YOU like it if the same person asked you "Do you know if you're baby's a boy or a girl yet!?!?!?!?" in the exact same tone every week for six weeks?" But that never seems to get through to them. So I've compiled a list of pointers.

1) There are three circumstances in which it is okay to touch someone without their permission. You may do so in self-defense; to remove them from danger if there is no time to talk first (as in the case of an imminent car accident); or if the person is unconscious and you are applying some kind of first aid. In any of these cases, the touch should be the minimum required. If possible, you should not touch the person in any of the more private or embarrassing bodily regions-- in other words, not in any place that would be covered by a more modest bathing suit. This rule applies to all human beings. Believe it or not, a pregnant woman is a human being. Carrying a child does not turn her into a plushie for your fondling entertainment. It is not okay to pat, squeeze, poke or otherwise molest her belly without asking. If you do this, she may or may not grab you by the bottom and say "I'm sorry, I thought this was inappropriate touchy time." But she'll be thinking about it.

2) There is absolutely no circumstance in which it is okay to tell a woman she's getting fat. Most women find that insulting. Believe it or not, a pregnant woman is a woman. She has lived her whole life in a culture that judges her value by her appearance. This culture holds that a big belly is not a good appearance. Being pregnant will not necessarily have changed how she feels about her belly. It is not all right to grin and tell her she's "showing already" or "popping out;" or, God forbid, to ask if she's having twins. Phrasing these remarks as compliments does NOT help. No one wants to be told "You have such a cute bump! You're just like a little doll." And don't insist you couldn't tell if she was pregnant, either. Pregnancy does not lower the IQ. She knows that you're lying.

3) Absolutely no horror stories, ever. It is not okay to tell the pregnant woman horrific stories that end with a dead baby, a dead mother, an unasked for sterilization or anything else. If she asks for advice, you may give it in as tactful a way as possible. If a group of mothers are sharing their birth stories, it's fine to share everything, including unpleasant things, from the heart. But it's not all right to terrorize pregnant women with all the grisly anecdotes and "facts" you've ever heard. It's not okay to lecture her on the dangers of a home or a hospital birth. Frankly, both are dangerous. Birth is dangerous. It always has been. Every mother has the right and the responsibility to make an informed decision about the best way to care for herself during pregnancy. If she wants to be under a doctor's care, shut up. If she wants to try a midwife center, shut up. If she wants a home birth, shut up. If she wants to give birth standing on her head in the Amazon river, just smile and tell her congratulations. Never, ever use the phrase "if something goes wrong." Something will always go wrong, and that doesn't make her decision wrong. You're only going to annoy and scare her. If you start telling her Public Health conspiracy theories you read about on the internet, I will personally break into your house and fill your shampoo bottles with Nair. Thank you.

 4) While I'm on the subject, no unsolicited advice at all, even if it's not scary. Pregnant women and mothers of infants are bombarded with advice everywhere they turn. And they don't like it. No one likes being told what to do. And the absolute worst kind of advice is telling people how they should feel, or acting insulted when they feel a way you think they shouldn't. Some women love being pregnant. Others find it extremely uncomfortable and frightening. Some new moms take to motherhood right away, and others find it difficult. This does not make them bad mothers. Being scared, sick or upset does not merit a lecture on the Value of Life. Chances are, the mother already feels guilty for not feeling happy. They don't need that to be made worse.

5) After the baby has been born, be respectful of the mother's wishes. All births are extremely emotional, and some are traumatic. Adjusting to a new baby is difficult in itself. The mother may not want any visitors for awhile, or she may be desperate for company. Let her know you're okay with both options, and that she should feel free to ask for whatever help, company or privacy she wants-- and then, abide by that rule. It's also a good idea to repeat this after a few weeks. After a few weeks, most people stop wanting to visit or offering to help. That can be an extremely isolated and depressing time. A lot of mothers would love for someone to bring a meal then, or drop by to hold the baby while she showers, or even do some vacuuming for her. Be respectful and understanding if the answer is no, but it's still good to ask.

6) If you see a mom with a baby somewhere, smile and say hello to both of them. It's depressing when eager smiling people zoom in to address the baby first, and not you. You start to feel invisible. It's also rather strange to be in an environment where people talk to you and ignore the baby. I've been in both situations. Both the mother and the baby are human beings, and should be treated with the respect due to a human being. That's what the Culture of Life is all about.

7) And what if something DOES go horrifically wrong? What if you find yourself having to deal with a mother who miscarried, or who had a traumatic and abusive birth? Every situation is different, but for starters, apply all the rules I've just stated even more carefully. Wounded mothers are mothers too. They need more support and love, not less. Don't lecture us on what went wrong-- believe me, we know and we feel worse about it than you ever could. Don't lecture us on how it's wrong to blame ourselves. because we already do and you're not going to be able to change that. Don't try to recommend therapy or antidepressants. That's the worst kind of pushy advice, and it makes us feel even more like we're going crazy. We know such things exist. Don't ever belittle our suffering. You can't imagine what pregnancy and childbirth are like until you've been through it. Offer to help in any way you can, and don't be offended if the answer is silence. We ARE grateful, we do recognize that you're trying to help, we will get through this, but we need time and understanding.

Those are the most obvious points; there are plenty more. At another time I'll share my own birth story or talk about the time I burst out screaming at a particularly eager pro-life youth in an art class. But these should get you started.

Tears of a Dove

I finally did it. I watched Dove's "Real Beauty Sketches" video.

I'd put it off for quite some time, despite (or because of) the fact that so many of my friends were calling it life-changing. They all assured me that it moved them to tears. I didn't want to be moved to tears by a commercial-- and I had no doubt that it was a commercial. A seller of women's beauty products doesn't make videos about beauty for any other purpose. However, as the endorsements kept pouring in, I began to wonder. Had Dove really done something so revolutionary? Did they really have something profound to say about female beauty? I decided to see for myself.

And I was not moved to tears. I was impressed-- aesthetically, the video is excellent right down to the soft lighting and music. It was interesting to watch the experiment unfold, and I found myself feeling genuine empathy for the pretty women who thought they were ugly ducklings. I was happy for them when they saw their sketches side by side, and admitted they were prettier than they thought. Along with countless other Americans, I shared the video on my Facebook wall.

And then I sat down to think about how to make it better. I realized as I did, that the video was just what I'd expected-- a commercial, and an attempt to reinforce a dangerous lie that society has been telling women for time immemorial. There were so many ways that Dove could have made the video into a real statement on beauty, but they failed. I'll only mention in passing the way in which the experiment itself was flawed: they did nothing to control for the fact that many women will downplay their looks in an attempt to be modest, and that kind strangers will flatter in an attempt to be generous. But for the sake of argument, I'll overlook that. Less excusably, the subjects of the experiment are all slim, pretty, well-dressed young women of a similar socioeconomic bracket. A cursory attempt at diversity was made by including not one but two token black women. And that was all. That was meant to be a representation of real women throughout the world, or at least throughout Dove's target market. And then there was the big reveal, when the women realized that they must be beautiful because a stranger said so.

The missed opportunities were so manifold it's difficult to know where to begin. What if the Dove corporation repeated the experiment, this time with actual diversity? What if, in addition to the original subjects, they'd added others? What about a fat woman? How about two fat women-- one medically obese and one just too fat for television? What about a woman who'd battled anorexia for years and had finally gotten back up over a hundred pounds? What about a woman over the age of 40? Or a woman with facial features that Westerners traditionally find unappealing, such as the broad noses that Native Australians and some people from Africa have. Or a woman who'd recently gone bald from chemo, or had lost an eye to cancer, or who had surgical scars. Or a woman in a wheelchair, or with facial tremors, vitiligo,or a cochlear implant. What if they'd included a woman who'd come in just after work, still in her scrubs or her military uniform? A goth, a Muslim in a Hijab, or someone with dreadlocks and piercings? In other words, what if they'd faithfully and realistically represented the faces of women in this country and the world? I'd like to see beautiful women of all kinds, because all kinds of women are beautiful.

Now, let's expand the running time of the video, because I want to see what those women were doing before they came into the studio. I'd like to see them at working expertly at their jobs, or studying at school. I'd like to see them caring for their families, serving the poor, praying, writing, painting, singing and laughing. I'd like to see them bravely battling illness or publicly protesting injustice. In other words, I'd like to see the beautiful things that women do. That's where beauty manifests itself-- not in faces, but in people. People are alive, and the good things they do are beautiful.

Finally, and most importantly: after their portraits are revealed, have the women say something along the lines of "That's great to know and very flattering... but in another way, it's pointless, because my value as a woman goes so much deeper than what a stranger I'll never see again thinks of my looks." That would be true beauty, because that's the truth. Women-- all women-- are beautiful. Women are beautiful because women are human beings, and human beings are beautiful. It shouldn't matter what a stranger says about a woman's beauty. That means nothing at all. But the majority of women have been raised to believe that it means everything-- that our beauty, and even our value as persons, is determined by a stranger's opinion. And we believe it. I know it's a lie, and yet on so many levels I still believe it. A stranger pats my stretched, surgical-scarred belly and asks if I'm pregnant, and I burn inside as if she's hit me. An angry driver in a passing car calls me an ugly bitch, and my day is ruined. I believe that their words have value, because that's what I've been conditioned to believe. This belief is so deeply ingrained I can't imagine ever losing it entirely.

And that's the reason why I'm offended by the Dove video. The experiment is flawed. It's silly of them to make no attempt at real diversity, or at exploring all the ways in which women are beautiful. But worst of all, they are reinforcing a dangerous belief; a belief that tortures women around the world every day. They want us to base our self-esteem on a stranger's opinion of our looks. And this has nothing to do with beauty. It does, however, move me to tears.